The Waiter Chronicles Diner Profile: The I-Know-Just-Enough-To-Be-A-Total-Tool Guy

This guy knows a little bit about cocktails. He knows a little about food and a little about coffee. And that little bit of knowledge combines to make him an intolerable menace to the waiter. He never dines alone; he always has a date with him, or some friends or family. Going out to dinner this evening was his idea, and he most likely chose the place. The I-Know-Just-Enough-To-Be-A-Total-Tool guy (hereafter IKJETBATT guy) needs to perform.

He starts by ordering a vodka cocktail. Not a standard cocktail like a vodka tonic, or even a vodka martini. No, the IKJETBATT guy orders a vodka gimlet. When he orders his second one, he'll be sure to point out that the first one was a little "sticky."

When it comes time to order dinner, he'll ask detailed and complicated questions about really simple menu items. He'll ask, for example, how the eggplant parmesan is "presented" (the waiter will make something up while thinking, "On a novel little utility called a plate").

When the IKJETBATT guy's free basket of bread runs out, he won't wait for his server to return to the table so that he can politely request more. Instead, he'll bellow "excuse me, excuse me, excuse me! Can we get some more bread?" to the waiter while the waiter is very obviously attending to a nearby table.

When he orders coffee after dinner he'll ask for a latte. But not just any old latte. He'd like a "no-foam" latte. And when you bring it to him, he'll ask for "a little stirrer or something" since the three spoons at his left hand are obviously not up to the task of stirring the drink.

And, worst of all--this is the move that confirms the diner's identity beyond a shadow of a doubt--when the bill comes, the IKJETBATT guy rewards the waiter for the countless hoops he's had to jump through by tipping at about 11%.

The IKJETBATT guy is hard to miss. He's even harder to forget.